View Single Post
Old 29 April 2006, 03:22
Posts: n/a
Deep goes nothing...

Guys, I want to fight the war.

A call to arms has been issued. Its been issued since I saw the towers fall live. Its only gotten louder since the army can’t meet its quotas and doesn’t have enough troops to keep the peace. What’s worse is that I have 3 friends in Iraq right now, and one of them emailed me a few months ago and told me about how his gunner was KIA. All I know about the gunner is his last name, and I guess I’ll honor it by keeping it confidential, but my best friend was inches away from the bullet that killed him, and I’m here sitting on my hands safe watching private x’s funeral on TV and seeing pictures of coffins and presidential briefings and political agendas and American and Israeli flags in flames. Another thing is that half the people dancing in the streets when the towers fell were of my heritage. There are terror sects in Kosovo, and I’m finding it hard to stomach the fact that the F-ing SOB who killed my friend’s gunner could have been an Albanian.

The only thing keeping me from signing the dotted line is a promise I made to my friend. “Don’t do anything stupid. Live your life until I get back,” which will be in about a month. The deal was that I would stay and study and he would come back with his shield instead of on it. I recently called my family together and told them I was joining the army. I expected their support, and above all I expected them to be proud of me. Instead, my family turned their backs on me, they would not give me their blessing. They said I would not be their hero. My dad cried and said that he could not support me, he is convinced that there are things about this war that are not being told, whatever it is is a lie, and he cannot bring himself to be involved. If I go to Iraq, I go alone.

What am I hoping to find in the desert? A battle? Some glorious Hollywood-enacted paintball game with live ammo? Am I hoping to have fun? I don’t know, I don’t think so. I know I’m looking for a fight, I feel like I’ve been looking for one my whole life, and I feel like I’ve found one. I know if I answer this call, its going to change me, but I feel this. I feel like its something I have to do. I feel like I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t, and I’m angry that I’ve waited this long. I can’t really piece words together enough to explain what I’m feeling or even if it’s rational, and I could probably piece them together all day to no avail. I guess some people want to go to the Olympics, and I want to be a soldier. Maybe some of you understand.

I want to ask how close I can get to the Green Beret, since I can’t think of anything harder and more inside the war, but that’s a question I know I’m not allowed to ask and will be run off the board for asking.

Why do I want to serve? To fight the war. What does this war mean to me? Everything and nothing. It means everything because I can fight in it, there aren’t any lines. It means nothing because I might have no business in it. Who am I to jump into a raging river? Here I have a college education in front of me where I can study film, make documentaries about amazing things, have a career in assembling teams of insane adventures to head out into the natural worlds most dangerous places and maybe get myself killed, or…join the army, do amazing things, be part of a team of brave volunteers who go out into the worlds most dangerous places, and maybe get myself killed. Do I even have any idea what I’m asking for? I sure hope so. I’ve done a lot of homework and researched everything from MP to Combat Engineer to Airborne to EOD, and I can’t even go to the Army’s website because I just can’t take having the Ranger School link waved in front of me on the AIT page and knowing that clicking it is only going to get me upset. I can’t watch the military channel because it reminds me of everything I can’t have, and I’m afraid to “just go for it” because if I get in and don’t like the job I pick, I’m stuck.

I want to fight the war, and if I’m going to get run off the board for saying outright that I want to be the best I can be, do the best I can, go through the hardest thing the world has to offer, that I want to be a Green Beret, then so be it.

I really don't like the coined poster-phrase “women in combat” because it implies that I’m stuck in a civil-rights movement/class-action suit whether I like it or not. Why do we have to assign gender to anything though? Why can’t it just be weakness and strength? Why can’t it just be soldiers in combat? Why can’t I be a soldier? You know what, even if I can’t, where its taken me has been pretty fun. I’ve picked up proficiency in a ton of sports I never thought I’d get into (wrestling wasn’t exactly on my to-do list in middle school), learned how to fight and how to perform under the most stressful of situations, went from benching the bar to showing off with one-arm pushups (not that that's going to take me anywhere but it was still kinda fun), been through hard times where I just wanted to cry, and have been driven to seek out the toughest things I could find. Maybe I’ve just been chasing a stupid dream, but it’s been crazy and if I died tomorrow, I can say that I had fun, and maybe that’s all that matters.

Why did I come to this board? Maybe I’m looking for more than advice, maybe I’m looking for a believer. Maybe I’m trying to opt out of the “gender bylaws” and different PT tests and double standards, things I’ve tried to break free of my entire life. I think I’m looking for someone to say “we’re not talking about you when we talk about women in combat” (I hate that phrase), and I can’t think of anything else I can possibly do to prove myself, anything else I can do to break away because all someone has to do is say it and I’ll do it, but I know that’s not going to happen. I want to be a Green Beret so that I can fight the war, so I’m still going to fight the war, whether or not I get to make as great of a difference as I had hoped. I’m still going to do the best I can. I think I’m strong, I think I’m tough, I think I have something to offer. I think I can be a soldier. I’m going to go help my friends who are over there. I’m going to scratch this unbearable itch and answer the call. Recently I’ve been doing the whole teenage looking-for-a-role-model phase, maybe I’m looking for a hero, maybe I’m looking to find one in myself, maybe I’m just an idiot.

I expect many short replies about “currently there are no females allowed in the following…” I know…

I know.

My question for all of you, if you decide to answer, how can I fight this war?

Last edited by username93; 29 April 2006 at 03:32.