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  #21  
Old 16 September 2019, 10:48
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Coming back from a reserve exercise. We were passing a golf course. In the car was my OC and other officers more senior than me.

I asked did they know what a golf course was? A waste of a perfectly good shooting range..
After a second or two they start talking about their respective handicaps...

Good folks though and a reminder to sometimes STFU.
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  #22  
Old 16 September 2019, 11:07
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As an E3 in ROK we had this thing we called a B52 strike... We would take a large cardboard box and fill it with water filled multi colored condoms, and head to the roof 4 stories up... One would call in the strike, and one would release the payload... You couldn't see the target until after the payload was released... Thanksgiving day 1986 it was custom in the ROK that the officers served our dinner in their dress blues... Don and I were on the roof as we had received a call from SAC about some possible Soviet threat, in a holding pattern above our selected target area, the front door to the barracks. We heard the doors open, and I, as the payload release officer, dropped our entire payload... We heard our victim scream, and we ran back to our room... a few seconds later our XO bursts into the room, fuming... in his dress blues, dripping with water, and covered with little pieces of broken, colored, condoms. This was a sight none of us were prepared for, and we all hit the floor laughing... after a few threats, he left, and we went back on the roof, and below was a perfect circle of wet and broken condoms, with a dry spot in the center. Score one for Arclight.

The next one was in our LE barracks, where whenever you flushed the urinals, if someone was in the shower it would scald them... so we all had a system where we would yell "fire in the hole" before flushing... I'm in there one night and get scalded... I yell a long string of obscenities and call the offender a MF'r which was the accepted custom... only to hear a meek "sorry" from the offender in a voice I did not recognize... I peeked over the shower curtain to see our COL walking out of the latrine... So, I got the call the COL a MF'r and get away with it...
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  #23  
Old 16 September 2019, 11:39
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Originally Posted by WGH0922 View Post
I really wish SOTB were around to chime in on this thread. Probably take up half a page.
This.
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  #24  
Old 16 September 2019, 11:50
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I've never done anything remotely like the title of this thread....
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  #25  
Old 16 September 2019, 12:00
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^LOL. It was you who I (and I assume most here) were waiting to hear from.
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  #26  
Old 16 September 2019, 12:36
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I have a few, but thought about this one: I was at Division HQ laminating a map for the CG (upcoming exercise). I get a call from the DTOC asking me to grab the car and head there to pick up the aide. A CPT that I could not stand. Jumped in the CG's car and off I go.

When I get there, the CPT tried to get into the back seat. I assumed he was trying to gather salutes given the car.

When he opened the back door, I said "Sir, you cannot ride back there". Him: "why not". Me: "That seat and everything back there out ranks you" He shut the door and climbed in the front. Damn he was pissed for a while. He busted me out to the CG.

Next time I was in the vehicle, alone with the CG, said "JP, I heard what you said to Cpt. So n so", Me: "yes, sir". Him: "that's funny as well. Keep up the good work" :)
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  #27  
Old 16 September 2019, 13:05
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At Ft Hood I was walking from the parking lot to report for duty at the hospital and both hands were full. Was pretty cool walking by the 1 star who I thought was a SPC and not saluting. Luckily for me he was cool about it.
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  #28  
Old 16 September 2019, 14:00
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Originally Posted by GPC View Post
My Brigade commander had just made BG. He comes to the police HQ to visit. Iraqi police officer walks by does the power salute and says " What's up my N." Needless to say the brothers got the "Talk". I almost bit my tongue off to keep from laughing as I had a front row seat.
I was standing alone outside a key leader engagement while the BC, Co CO, IA leaders and Iraqi gov't district leaders were all inside having their meeting. A buddy in my squad taught some of the Iraqi guys to put their fist up and say "black power" when they see a black guy...

Of course I was the sole guy outside with the IA PSG when a black MSG comes up with his group to enter the building. "Black Power my brotha!!" says the IA guy, as I'm looking away trying to GTFO of the area...
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  #29  
Old 16 September 2019, 14:52
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EchoFiveMike EchoFiveMike is offline
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First time we hit an IED, hauling 2x sniper teams out to Yusifiyah, our platoon commander grabbed one of the Marine's GPS and was trying to call in the SITREP, but it's my patrol. More importantly, he's making a mess of it, since he's not familiar with the hardware, and kinda excited since it was his vehicle that got hit. I don't recall the exact phrasing, maybe Shark0311 does, but it was something like " Break Break Break. Stupid motherfucker actual, you're trying to tell Mayhem(Bn COC) a 14 digit grid, get off this net!" Of course this was on BNTAC1.

Never heard a thing about it. S/F....Ken M
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  #30  
Old 16 September 2019, 15:19
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I told President Clinton that any sitting President who refuses to serve their country in uniform, (as he did) loses the moral authority to send young Americans off to war.

This occured when my wife was being presented the National Medal Of Science, in 2000.
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  #31  
Old 16 September 2019, 15:42
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Iím at NAS Sigonella and a mission pops up last minute. Iím told we have a Gulfstream C-20 heading out to the AO. Hit the flight line. Walk up to the aircraft and thereís an irate Rear Admiral asking why they are now stopping in Souda Bay.

Iím in my flight suit and I say Sir itís because I need to be there. Heís got this look on his face like who the fuck are you. I flash him my DOD Courier badge and explain this mission is a priority. The look on his face was priceless. Iím thinking to myself. Ya... you think this is your jet but its Uncle Sugarís in reality.

Then there was the time I received a Flash message and make a carrier landing on the JFK (think it was the Kennedy) and almost wrote up their Communications Officer....
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  #32  
Old 16 September 2019, 15:58
Chesie Chesie is online now
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I had a MG walk into my surgery clinic one afternoon at AJ and inform me that he would like his colonoscopy completed before he left theater. I said sure, when would you like it done. And he said “now”. I asked him if he had completed a bowel prep (where you drink a couple bottles of Fleets phospho-soda to get all the poop out of your colon), and he says no.

So I said” sir, you are full of shit, and I cannot possibly do your colonoscopy today”. Not having ever been around a flag officer before, I thought myself incredibly witty. He, however, did not share my irreverent sense of humor, and his face turned 3 shades of red. After about 5 super-uncomfortable seconds, he laughed and told me I was a funny guy.

I completed his colonoscopy the next morning, after he did his bowel prep. And the counseling statement from my commander never left theater, nor became part of my permanent record.

...and I warned them I didn’t belong at a CSH. So they sent me to USSOCOM. Lol
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  #33  
Old 16 September 2019, 16:27
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Before launching on a particularly complex op, had some rando officer controlling ISR from back in the rear keep telling me I was not allowed to talk to the bird directly overhead that was there to support me because “procedure.”

Having flown on said birds before, I knew all the crews. Told communicator to fire up comms, said what’s up bros over LOS nets, and told officer man I wasn’t going to wait on a 10,000 mile round trip telephone game in three dimensions every time I needed to ask a damn question.
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  #34  
Old 16 September 2019, 16:33
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CPTAUSRET View Post
I told President Clinton that any sitting President who refuses to serve their country in uniform, (as he did) loses the moral authority to send young Americans off to war.

This occured when my wife was being presented the National Medal Of Science, in 2000.
You're in first place. Frog is in second.
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  #35  
Old 16 September 2019, 17:47
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Originally Posted by Chesie View Post
I had a MG walk into my surgery clinic one afternoon at AJ and inform me that he would like his colonoscopy completed before he left theater. I said sure, when would you like it done. And he said ďnowĒ. I asked him if he had completed a bowel prep (where you drink a couple bottles of Fleets phospho-soda to get all the poop out of your colon), and he says no.

So I saidĒ sir, you are full of shit, and I cannot possibly do your colonoscopy todayĒ. Not having ever been around a flag officer before, I thought myself incredibly witty. He, however, did not share my irreverent sense of humor, and his face turned 3 shades of red. After about 5 super-uncomfortable seconds, he laughed and told me I was a funny guy.

I completed his colonoscopy the next morning, after he did his bowel prep. And the counseling statement from my commander never left theater, nor became part of my permanent record.

...and I warned them I didnít belong at a CSH. So they sent me to USSOCOM. Lol
About eight or nine months ago, back in the winter, we were going to do a back injection on a retired army officer, former chairman of the joint chiefs. I'm setting at the monitor and nurses' COW when he comes in, sees my Navy and Marine Corps flag pin on my badge, said "Are you in the service son?". I said, "no sir, not anymore." He said "I didn't think so, or you'd have enough manners and sense to stand up when I came into the room." My face must have drained every bit of blood above my nipple line, he just roared with laughter, said "I'm fucking with you son, have a seat and you do what you need to do."

Generals and their humor....
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  #36  
Old 16 September 2019, 18:12
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Originally Posted by Devildoc View Post
About eight or nine months ago, back in the winter, we were going to do a back injection on a retired army officer, former chairman of the joint chiefs. I'm setting at the monitor and nurses' COW when he comes in, sees my Navy and Marine Corps flag pin on my badge, said "Are you in the service son?". I said, "no sir, not anymore." He said "I didn't think so, or you'd have enough manners and sense to stand up when I came into the room." My face must have drained every bit of blood above my nipple line, he just roared with laughter, said "I'm fucking with you son, have a seat and you do what you need to do."

Generals and their humor....
Sometimes the tables turn.
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  #37  
Old 16 September 2019, 18:36
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I'll turn the tables a bit. I was on an op in Afghanistan that was fucked up as last week's laundry. Helos not on time, hot, out of food, etc. Had an E3 humping my radio. He's listening to me trying to un-fuck a big mess with the S3 and it's just getting stupider and stupider. He looks at me and says deadpan "How the fuck did we ever beat the Iraqis twice?"
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  #38  
Old 16 September 2019, 18:41
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1RiserSlip 1RiserSlip is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CPTAUSRET View Post
I told President Clinton that any sitting President who refuses to serve their country in uniform, (as he did) loses the moral authority to send young Americans off to war.

This occured when my wife was being presented the National Medal Of Science, in 2000.

Winner, winner chicken dinner.

Hands down.
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  #39  
Old 16 September 2019, 19:11
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Marine friend of mine who was an E-4 and managed to achieve E-1 upon exit from military.

Was assigned Jeep driver for CO... when CO arrives at Jeep this guy has the hood up and he is at attention. CO: what’s wrong with the Jeep?
Driver: Nothing sir, I just like the hood up...

Same guy: serving in the chow line with a chew of Beachnut...
Chicken fried steak, mashed potato and green beans...
CO being served asked “what’s in your mouth”
“Gravy sir”... he was immediately moved to dishwashing.
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Last edited by fy0834; 16 September 2019 at 19:19.
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  #40  
Old 16 September 2019, 19:30
Max Power Max Power is offline
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Sitting in a ROC drill being run by a senior O-6 with multiple people with stars in attendance. A senior political appointee asked to make a change and without hesitation replied with, "That's the dumbest fucking thing I've ever fucking heard, are you actually retarded?" He'd been pissing me off for about a week at that point and he's lucky he didn't get punched earlier in the day. No one knew what to do then the mil aide to the appointee's boss quickly transitioned to, "What I think [I] meant was that your proposed change is..."

I had a lot of fun that week, one of the best times of my career.
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