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  #81  
Old 24 April 2018, 23:55
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1RiserSlip 1RiserSlip is offline
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Good post DH and congrats for obviously investing wisely. May you continue this adventure called marriage with success and love.

Thanks for starting the thread. Who needs counselors? We have SOCNET.
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  #82  
Old 25 April 2018, 00:11
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This thread, much like this site are the same:

We
She and I
Him and Her
Her and Him
Us




TEAM.
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  #83  
Old 25 April 2018, 07:52
osubuckeye762 osubuckeye762 is offline
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Some great responses to a great discussion.

I started reading the thread before heading over to the doctor, and then waited out the day before posting.

We met about 20 years ago through a mutual friend while playing on the same intramural softball team, and right from the start we hated each other. As the weeks went buy we hung out a little then moved into together (after about 4 weeks). We had about 6 weeks till she was to leave for NY for advanced schooling and I was heading back to the Army. So, it was supposed to be nothing but six weeks of drinking, partying and sex...

Well almost 21years later we are still together, and it took me 17 years to re-enlist in the Army (Reserve). It has not been an easy road and we have certainly had our ups and downs. We are worse off now than when we first started due to jobs, medical and financial hardships.

To make a marriage/relationship last you have to be friends, and respect each other. We have had our down times and have split up twice. We always come back because we each say we are too damaged to date anyone else. Now we are toooo broke to break up.

I always don't admit it or won't admit it, but I am lucky (as most on this board are). I say that because she gave me her full support when I re-enlisted in the Army. She also gave me her support when I volunteered and was selected to go to Afghanistan to drive an MRAP with a mine roller. This came during a time when she just transferred from from Walter Reed where she worked with soldiers suffering TBI's and other injuries. She is also supportive of my quest for one last deployment before I call it quits.

It is a two way street, and we always don't get along because we are both Type A personalities. I think it does help in some ways that I work out of town for 3 weeks a month but it is hurting us in another way because of the financial strain.

I am also lucky because I love to travel throughout the US to visit historical sites and museums, and according to her she goes along and suffers in silence. Which I am thankful for.

We have made serious mistakes in the past and we are trying to work on them now. If you would ask me right now how things are I would say strained due to financial matters and her mother just passing away. On the other hand we are planning ahead for better pastures.

Anyone who thinks marriage or relationships are a piece of cake or a bed of roses is in for a rude awakening. (I was).

In my heart I think I would be heard pressed to find another person who is as supportive as she is whether it be for deployments or going back to LE. ((I know because I tried the dating scene again we when we split up and it was painful.))

To be honest I would have threw my grouchy irritable rear end out years ago, but she believes in me when I always don't believe in myself.
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  #84  
Old 25 April 2018, 09:24
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UncleTx View Post
My dad always said marry your best friend.
I am glad I didn't follow your dad's advice. My best friend is a big hairy Italian named Joe. I married my second best friend, she is much hotter, but I get your point.
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  #85  
Old 25 April 2018, 10:54
Bryan Bryan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Expatmedic View Post
Ok, some actual advice that has worked for me.

If you get into a fight, argument, disagreement etc.

Swallow that huge chunk of pride that will gag you both into an eerie silence wondering who will apologize first...
After my first marriage ended(5 years w/1 kid), I was a trainwreck and started going to church to try and get my mind right. Well, day number freaking-one, what is the pastor discussing? Relationships that have ended, other relationship issues that happen, and how to deal with it. I'll never forget this, and it has served me well:

"When in a fight or argument with a spouse, family member, friend, etc., think of it as a tug-of-war match. You have one person pulling one way, and you're pulling the other. Well, what happens when you let go of the rope?"

That to me means not to give up or quit, but be the bigger person and let go of your issues/argument. Let them fall on their ass if they want to, it's not worth it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by 1RiserSlip View Post
Agoge hit a key word. FRIENDS. You gotta be best friends first IMO, or work your way toward it. Once you get there, I think most anything can be worked out. Even friends have their arguments.
This in addition to communication is paramount. My current wife of 6 years, and partner of 12 years, is hands down my best friend. We do everything together, and we share all the weight of the ruck. Sometimes I slip, sometimes she slips, and we pick up the slack for one another.

Another thing I haven't seen mentioned, maybe I missed it, but I believe you should live together for a few years prior to marriage. Learn about eachother. Every fault, every kindness, every pet peeve, etc., learn it, and see if you can deal with it. Become inseparable FRIENDS first, and the rest takes care of itself.

In the beginning of my current relationship with my wife, there were a few arguments, mainly caused by me and my bull-headed way of thinking. The root of that was my first marriage ending so badly, and it took her a while to cluster bomb those walls down. She stuck with me and my bullsh*t for a long time before I gave in to the notion that a long lasting relationship could be maintained without me getting f***ed over again.

I proposed to her a few months before a deployment, and even though we could've had BAH for that deployment, I refused to marry before my return to see if we would make it through. Well, she didn't cheat, we talked/skyped almost everyday, and she held down the fort while I was gone. Huge points for her, and it made me realize I had "the one".

We are an inseparable force now. We have two kids together, and they are the best, sweetest, kindest, honest, smartest kids I've known. Everyone who meets them says the same thing. I believe that's because we NEVER argue, fight, or even bicker unless it's for humor purposes. We truly live, laugh, and love.

I wouldn't trade it for the world...

I'd also like to add that y'alls accounts of your marriages lasting as long as they have gives me hope that maybe the world's not totally doomed after all. Thank you for that. Cheers.
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  #86  
Old 25 April 2018, 11:41
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Football Batt View Post
I am glad I didn't follow your dad's advice. My best friend is a big hairy Italian named Joe. I married my second best friend, she is much hotter, but I get your point.
That's legal now BTW.
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  #87  
Old 25 April 2018, 12:44
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You have never seen Joe.
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  #88  
Old 25 April 2018, 14:16
JSOC Marine 82 JSOC Marine 82 is offline
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Together 48 years, married 45. I’ve found that you can have a happy relationship knowing, and using, four words!

“Yes dear”

“I’m sorry!”

Hint: The more you use the first two, the less you’ll use the second!
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  #89  
Old 25 April 2018, 15:42
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ARCHANGELRANGER ARCHANGELRANGER is offline
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Ten years married to one of the most miserable human beings ever to cross my path. She remains miserable to this day, but is, thankfully, spewing her hatefulness onto another guy. Pity, as he is a good egg.

After those ten horrible, soul killing years I spent 20 years in the wilderness, doing and being whatever I wanted and enjoying the company of whomever I wanted, happy as a clam, until the current missus came along. I have never been, nor could I ever be, happier. The answer is to choose wisely and follow your gut (not your heart... your dick can't tell your gut what to do).
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  #90  
Old 25 April 2018, 17:37
Fu King Lawyer Fu King Lawyer is offline
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Current wife and I have been together for 168 years (in dog years).
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  #91  
Old 25 April 2018, 17:46
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Originally Posted by Dark Helmet View Post
One of the best things about her that I admire the most is her instinct when it comes to people. She can meet someone and in minutes know if they are a douchebag, a saint, or anywhere in between. Her skill at assessing people quickly is uncanny and it is something that I wish I could do.
+1. I'm still surprised at how quickly and accurately my wife can get a read on a stranger.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JSOC Marine 82 View Post
Together 48 years, married 45. I’ve found that you can have a happy relationship knowing, and using, four words!

“Yes dear”

“I’m sorry!”

Hint: The more you use the first two, the less you’ll use the second!
For the longest time, I would work to end arguments by telling my wife "you're right". One day she asked "Are you just saying that to shut me up or do you understand that I'm right?"
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  #92  
Old 25 April 2018, 18:01
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Haven't read ^

1. Don't Settle. If you ever think "Gee, I wish my Xxx would be/do/look/act..." you're settling. Keep looking.

2. Don't be broke. Money kills more marriages than alcohol and strip clubs. Speaking of which...

3. Don't Cheat. (Goes back to Don't Settle).

4. Both sides must not breach the attractiveness contract. Ie. If your wife didn't marry a 300lb'er, don't become one. Same goes for her.
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  #93  
Old 25 April 2018, 18:41
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JSOC Marine 82 View Post
Together 48 years, married 45. I’ve found that you can have a happy relationship knowing, and using, four words!

“Yes dear”

“I’m sorry!”

Hint: The more you use the first two, the less you’ll use the second!
My wife hates "yes dear". She says it's the equivalent of fuck you. I just smile and say yes dear.
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  #94  
Old 25 April 2018, 19:29
Stretch Stretch is offline
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She told me this evening, if she wasn’t here, she didn’t know what I’d do...

She was correct and I agreed.
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  #95  
Old 25 April 2018, 22:55
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ET1/ss nuke ET1/ss nuke is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stretch View Post
She told me this evening, if she wasn’t here, she didn’t know what I’d do...

She was correct and I agreed.
Amen to that.
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  #96  
Old 26 April 2018, 00:55
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stretch View Post
She told me this evening, if she wasn’t here, she didn’t know what I’d do...

She was correct and I agreed.
So, you and I are going to a ball game soon, right? Expatmedic’s treat.
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  #97  
Old 26 April 2018, 01:46
Akheloce Akheloce is offline
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I haven't been married as long as most on this board, but here's my .02:

Keep finances separate- We both have jobs. She bought a house that she can afford on her own, I pay rent. I own our retirement (current vacation house) house. She will pay me rent when we get there. As long as I make my biweekly rent, she does't care what I spend on toys, guns, etc. As long as the house is maintained like a landlord would, I don't care what she spends on clothes, shoes, etc.

We also have a prenup- what I had before we met (my house) and what I pay for with my money is mine. Her house and what she pays for with her money is hers.

Some people think we're weird for this part of our relationship, but it works for us and we never argue about money.
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  #98  
Old 26 April 2018, 03:36
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1RiserSlip 1RiserSlip is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fu King Lawyer View Post
Current wife and I have been together for 168 years (in dog years).
A Lawyer would make it complicated.
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  #99  
Old 26 April 2018, 06:39
Gsniper Gsniper is online now
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Quote:
Keep finances separate
My wife and I do this also. Have from the start. Works very well for us. Some say it's dishonest or whatever. She pays her part of the bills, I pay mine. What we do with what's left is our own business.
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  #100  
Old 26 April 2018, 06:44
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I have no finances. I don't get paid, I don't get bills, but there is food in the kitchen and the lights are still on.
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